9 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE HIRING A SEX Therapist

“The sexual self is attracted to power. And the most powerful thing you can do in an intimate encounter is to take full responsibility for yourself, and give the other person the freedom to do the same.”

—Steven Snyder, MD, Love Worth Making

Investing in an experience with a sexual wellness professional can be a life-changing opportunity to understand and take responsibility for your sexual needs, and to uncover and evaluate your beliefs about sex and sexuality. One of the greatest—and perhaps most overlooked—gifts working with a professional can offer is self-awareness and the tools to meet your own needs, both independently and with a partner.

Knowing and accepting our erotic self enables us to be empowered and intentional when choosing a partner and allows us to feel at home and confident in our own skin.. However, whether we desire lasting intimacy with a long-term partner or simply want to explore our sexuality solo, we must first learn how to give ourselves the same attention, respect, and care we seek in a relationship.

If you’ve never allowed yourself to candidly consider exactly what and who turns you on or what non-sexual needs you meet through sexual intimacy, answering the questions below will help you get the most out of the time you invest with a professional and also enable you to use the experience to build confidence and security within yourself.

Since mainstream cultural messaging generally discourages uninhibited sexual self-exploration without judgment, fear of criticism, or expectations, answering the following questions may bring up uncomfortable emotions caused by underlying beliefs as well as shed light on the needs you’re meeting through sex, or lack thereof. Looking at the subconscious beliefs and programming that drive our sexual desires is essential to creating the authentic and satisfying intimate encounters we all crave, even if the process is uncomfortable.

Start your journey of self-discovery by answering the following questions prior to engaging a professional.

Doing this will help you find the right therapist and get the most out of your investment.

1. How do I really feel about hiring a sex therapist?

Many people have mixed feelings about revealing their sexual self. Negative stereotypes and widespread misinformation about sex can make the experience fraught with internal conflict, eliciting feelings of shame, fear, and embarassment among other negative emotions.

Notice what feelings come up for you. Avoid suppressing them or talking yourself into feeling comfortable if you don’t. Your emotions, even if suppressed, will set the tone for your experience. Take responsibility for how you feel without self-judgment. Consider the source of any beliefs or messaging associated with your feelings. Be curious and open to whatever arises.

2. What beliefs do I have about sex that might impact my experience?

If answering the first question brought up suppressed emotions, your underlying beliefs are likely the cause. Identifying hidden prejudice, stereotypes, and cultural biases before you engage a professional will allow for transparency, re-education, and revising outdated or false beliefs that are causing negative emotions, such as shame and guilt.

Ignoring or denying your beliefs altogether undermines the potential benefits of your experience and leads to increased negative emotions. Accept whatever comes up in this process without judgment. Keep in mind that it’s possible to hold space for conflicting beliefs & feelings. Consider a “both and” approach when observing thoughts and emotions, and notice black & white thinking.

3. Am I willing to take responsibility for myself?

Though sexual wellness professionals and psychotherapists have overlapping roles, sex therapy requires a unique kind of responsibility. Only YOU can change the experience of. being in your body and feeling the emotions that impact your sexual health.

Before hiring a therapist, be aware that your job is to be responsible for your own emotional and physical needs and to communicate them accordingly.

4. Am I willing to communicate openly and honestly?

Most professionals are intuitive, but don’t expect your provider to be a mind reader. Most problems in the bedroom are caused by withholding truth, poor communication, and assumptions about ourselves and our partner. Working with a professional is the time to change this.

Clear and direct communication is necessary for a meaningful and productive professional relationship—and intimacy of all kinds. Don’t make be shy about voicing your needs! Make the most of this opportunity to practice authenticity by sharing your needs and desires candidly. Not only will this allow you to get the most of your investment, you’ll also build confidence and communication skills that can be used in your personal life as well.

5. What physical needs do I want to meet?

For men, in particular, acknowledging the desire for physical needs that extend beyond sensual touch may feel uncomfortable, as cultural expressions of masculine sensuality are often sexually-driven.. You may discover that what you seek in a sexual experience can be found in other types of physical activities as well. Or that what you crave is not sexual touch at all, rather affection or closeness with another.

For women, sex absent of emotional connection, intimacy, trust and safety is fraught with stress and tension, often leading to numbness or dissociation and inability to fully receive pleasure or climax. Understanding your unique needs for empowered intimacy is vital to mental, emotional, and spiritual health as a woman. Creating space and opportunity to explore yourself and your needs is a vital step as you embrace this process.

Perhaps physical touch is your primary love language, or you simply desire the experience of being held, caressed, and massaged. Maybe you wish to offer touch to a partner who loves to receive. Think about what kinds of touch you desire, and the physical activities in general bring you a sense of fulfillment.

6. What emotional needs do I want to meet?

Emotional needs are often interwoven with our physical needs, so knowing what we want to feel on an emotional level during and after sexual intimacy is as important as knowing what activities we enjoy during sex. Maybe feeling safe is the top priority. Being seen and feeling appreciated for who you are may also be important. Perhaps you simply want to explore your sexuality with someone who accepts you without judgment or without the pressure to perform.

If your emotional needs are met through meaningful conversation or companionship or a relationship that builds gradually over time, be sure to acknowledge this in the initial stages of consulting with therapists. Your emotional needs are as important to consider as your physical need, so make you don’t skip this step.

7. What boundaries do I need in place to feel comfortable and relaxed when entering sex therapy?

Every provider has a unique working style, including guidelines for preparation and follow-up, communication between sessions, and support transitioning out of therapy. Knowing what you need to be successful in sex therapy and communicating your needs directly will help assuage any fears and empower you to establish a professional rapport based on clear understanding and mutual respect.

8. Am I willing to do the research necessary to find an appropriate match?

Taking the time and effort to see a provider only to discover that she doesn’t offer the services you want is a huge disappointment for you. Dealing with clients who don’t bother to read our ads or respect our policies is a huge drag for professionals. Avoid making appointments without first doing the research needed to be reasonably sure your needs can be met by a particular provider and vice versa. This includes reading online ads, reviews, and policies about the services offered before making an appointment. When in doubt, request a 30-min consult to figure out next steps.

9. What are my dealbreakers?

Be sure to know your budget, your availability, and your emotional and physical readiness to engage in sex therapy. It’s kind of like going to South America for a plant-medicine journey with a shaman. Lacking that kind of courage and commitment, you may not be ready.

Once you have a clear sense of what you are looking for and why, you can begin the screening process with a set rubric that will keep you from wasting valuable time, energy, and money on experiences you’d rather avoid.